ROCKET GIRLS LOVE ALIENS

Prologue: Six Weeks Ago

Ellen

“Aliens are here on Earth?” I babbled, freaking out while trying to clean up all the clothes off the floor. “I don’t have any room, Kimmie. You can’t bring one of them here.”

“Girl,” Kimmie said on the other end of the phone. “None of us are exactly living in a mansion, and we can’t put them in a hotel.”

In the background were murmurs of the foreign alien language that I thought I’d never have to hear again after we’d escaped from the barbarian planet of Famirch.

“We could put them in a tent,” I whisper-shrieked. I didn’t need to wake up my neighbors. I shoved all the dirty clothes under the bed then hastily cleaned the bathroom.

Why was this happening to me? All I wanted to do was work on my physics equations, cook elaborate meals for one, and watch comfort TV.

The doorbell rang. I fumbled with the dead bolt and finally opened it with shaking hands. Then I was standing face-to-face with an alien.

Seven feet tall with red goat eyes, he had to duck his head to get through my doorway.

I opened my mouth then shut it.

“Why—why is he wearing a bedsheet?” I asked, trying to keep it together.

“Can’t exactly have him running around in a loincloth,” Kimmie said dryly. She pulled the sheet off of him, and I swallowed.

He was like a muscular statue. The alien flexed his clawed hands. His tail lashed around him.

I tried not to let my eyes drift down to…er…loincloth territory.

Kimmie balled up the sheet.

The alien removed the hat he was wearing, revealing the black horns that sprouted from the sides of his head.

“Vidanric the alien, meet Dr. Ellen Kimura,” she said, pointing to us. “You kids have fun!”

“You’re leaving?” I hissed, running after my friend.

“Girl, I have five other aliens to parcel out, and we have work tomorrow, not to mention I did not drink enough craft cocktails earlier to deal with this Area 51 fiasco.”

I stood helplessly by the door after my friend left then whirled around to regard the alien that loomed in my living room.

Two PhDs in quantum physics and astronomy had done zilch to prepare me for extraterrestrial life.

The alien—Vidanric—prowled around the edge of my living room like a panther.

“Do you, um, need anything?” I squeaked, back still pressed against the door.

What the freakity freak show was I going to do with an alien?

He sniffed the air. “You stink of fear.”

I swallowed and tried to calm my racing heart.

“I’m surprised I don’t smell like tequila with all the celebratory cocktails I had earlier,” I joked lamely.

Talk about a premature celebration.

Vidanric sniffed again. “Is that the poison I smell?”

“Okay, buddy, I didn’t drink that much; I’m still standing,” I said, though it was probably all thanks to the adrenaline.

I had been on the barbarian alien planet of Famirch for all of eight hours before our daring escape. We didn’t know anything about the alien race from that planet. They could be violent and crazy. I mean, look at all those muscles—those powerful, rippling muscles…

It’s the tequila talking.

“Do you want a blanket?” I offered, picking up the fuzzy pink throw on the back of the couch and offering it to him. Maybe cover up all that testosterone that was wafting off him.

He glared at me with those glowing red eyes.

“I will accept nothing from you, Earth woman. I wish to return home,” Vidanric said defiantly. He sank to a crouch on the floor and rested his arms on his knees, head bowed. “I will return home.”

There was a pang in my heart. I knew exactly how it felt to be trapped on an alien planet with seemingly no way home.

“We’ll take you back home,” I promised him, slowly sliding over along the floor to rest a palm on his shoulder. “I promise.”

“I can smell the lie on you,” he said, eyes closed.

“No one knows space better than me and my friends,” I said confidently. “We’ll have you back eating giant grubs, living in a hole in the ground, and throwing rocks at your friends in no time at all.”

Just keep calm. Sure, there might be a teensy little problem with the time-travel snafu, but you’re smart. You got this. Right?

Prologue: A Week Ago

Ellen

Sooo…spoiler alert: I did not, in fact, have it under control, and the aliens were here to stay.

FML.

Chapter 1

Ellen

Of all the inconveniences of having a literal alien as an unwanted houseguest, the early-morning noise was the worst.

I flopped over and sandwiched my head between two pillows as the blender cut through the last of my sleep.

I checked my phone. Five freaking thirty in the morning.

Not that I was getting much sleep. I had been having weird dreams about getting abducted by aliens. Except I was the one who had abducted an alien.

My friends and I had been about to start our hiking trip when there had been a bright-green light in the sky, then the next thing I knew, I had awakened on an alien planet. A mad escape and a stolen spaceship later, and my friends and I were back on Earth...

…Plus eight unexpected guests. One of which now lived in my tiny, overpriced LA apartment.

I stomped into the kitchen.

Vidanric was standing at the counter, his seven-foot form almost brushing the pendant light that hung above the kitchen. Shirtless, his bulging muscles were covered with a slight sheen of sweat from his early-morning workout—if it weren’t for the black horns that curled out from the sides of his head, the red goat-slit eyes, and the freaking tail, he might be an underwear model.

The blender whirred.

I tapped my fuzzy Pluto slipper. I was one of the people who had fought the good fight to keep it from being demoted from planet status. I was about as successful as trying to get Vidanric to make peace with the fact he was stuck on Earth.

The large alien ignored me and shifted his weight slightly.

I coughed loudly.

Vidanric stopped the blender and shook more protein powder into it.

“It’s five thirty in the morning and—”

He pressed a button, and the blender drowned out my complaints.

I scowled at him.

I liked wind chimes, the color pink, soft fuzzy blankets, and fairy lights, and here was Vidanric, decked out in heavy boots and military pants, harshing my vibe.

The blender stopped.

“Can’t you make those the evening before?” I yelled, waving my arms at him.

Those red eyes flicked up to meet mine. He pressed the button on the blender again.

My eye twitched. Though did I detect the hint of a smirk on Vidanric’s face?

Ever since he and his friends had landed on Earth, Vidanric had been angry, miserable, and homesick. I should be glad he’d found something on Earth he enjoyed, but it was ruining my sleep.

The blender finally stopped.

“You’re up early,” Vidanric remarked as he scooped out the thick gray mess into a glass. “Did you get up to exercise?”

His tail twitched like a cat when it was toying with a mouse.  

“No,” I said, shuffling over to the freezer, then pulled out the bag of frozen pepperoni pizza bagels and shook several onto the toaster oven tray. “I am an indoor kid. My morning routine consists of lying in bed, contemplating my insignificant existence in the larger universe, scrolling through the day’s physicist gossip, and checking my horoscope.”

Sure, someone with two PhDs shouldn’t love horoscopes, but astrology signs were star related and were therefore in my wheelhouse.

“You earthlings are soft and weak…and liars,” he snarled.

I scuttled out of the way as he reached around me to grab a pan out of the cabinet, and winced. My friends and I had promised that we were going to take Vidanric and his tribesmen back to their home planet. Unfortunately, due to irregularities of the space-time continuum, his planet was already several hundred years in the future, and he had no home to go back to.

“A positive mindset will bring about positive things. Earth’s not all bad,” I said helplessly. “We have pizza bagels.”

Vidanric gave me a long look. “They smell like plastic. You should not eat those.”

I opened the toaster oven. “These are the off-brand ones, so they use a lower-grade cheese,” I admitted, “but there’s nothing better for breakfast than a pizza bagel.”

Vidanric slammed the pan on the stove then stomped outside onto the little Juliet balcony that barely had space for a potted plant.

“Don’t you want some eggs?” I shrieked when he came back inside with a skinned dead squirrel. “You can’t put that in my pan.”

“You said I could not make a fire on the balcony,” he reminded me.

“Yeah, because life is bad enough without you burning down half the neighborhood,” I said as he used his claws to rip the squirrel into pieces.

“And I can’t believe you’re complaining about pizza bagels when you’re eating that!”

“There is good hunting on this planet.” He dropped the meat into the hot pan.

“Oh,” I said, scooping the piping hot, unhealthy breakfast onto my plate and turning on the stove fan. “So something on Earth is nicer than planet Famirch. I bet squirrel is tastier than wyrm.”

“I don’t eat because something tastes good. I eat for energy.”

“Then have an egg with that squirrel,” I say, cracking one into the pan while he growled. “Maybe some butter and salt? God forbid you put a little spice on that breakfast.” I took out one of my many bottles of condiments and squeezed some chili oil into the pan. Vidanric might complain, but everyone likes a little bit of flavor in their food.

I added some of the chili oil onto my bagel bites. A panic started to well up in me as I looked at the clock.

I was going to be late for work!

Except no, I wasn’t. My friends and I had started our own company. Work started when I said it started. I whisked matcha powder in my teacup. It was in the shape of an astronaut corgi.

Vidanric slammed the skillet down on the table.

“Look at Mr. Oregon Trail over here,” I joked as Vidanric tore into his breakfast, and I do mean tore. He refused to use a utensil.

I winced as his sharp teeth crunched through bone then gagged when he took a sip of that nasty smoothie.

“This is a high-protein breakfast,” he said, glaring at me over his food.

“And this is a high-carb breakfast,” I retorted then paused, about to eat a bagel bite. “I’ll try some of your smoothie if you try a bagel bite.” I waved it at him. “Nothing says ‘I love Earth’ like processed food!”

His mouth turned down in disdain. “Nothing on Earth will make me glad to be here. I hate this planet, and I hate you.”

Ouch.

Chapter 2

Vidanric

Ellen was silent as she quickly finished her food. She was nothing like the tribal women on my home planet. They were tough. They lived in caves. They did not wear big puffy robes or something called a face mask that smelled like sneezing and mud. They ate wyrm and arihd and not bagel bites from a bag in a freezer.

I had wanted to be mated and bonded with one of the rare native women on Famirch, to have a family with her.

“How far I have fallen,” I said under my breath as I scrubbed my body with sand. I refused to adopt the Earth custom of bathing with a year’s worth of water every morning. The ancestors had already cursed me. Abusing water would earn me a lifetime of punishment.

What had I done to offend them? I gazed out over the rolling greenery of southern California, so unlike my home. On Famirch, I was the top hunter, the protector of the tribe, the one who had dedicated his life and everything he was to the success of the clan. But now? Now I was little more than a house pet.

I had told the chief it was a poor decision to bring the Earth women into our tribe. Yes, we had very few women to grow the tribe, but adding the Earth women had been catastrophic. Now my friends and I were stranded on Earth with no way home. We existed only at the whim of these Earth women.

I clenched my hand and tried to resist punching the wall. There was already a hole in it from the last time.

Through the window that looked into the kitchen was Ellen. She sat at the kitchen table with a portable mirror, applying her makeup. The Earth women were so bewildering. Ellen’s mouth was slightly parted as she used various instruments of torture to change her face shape and make her eyes look bigger.

She glanced up and saw me looking. I averted my gaze, but instead of being angry that I was watching her, Ellen gave a big smile and a friendly wave.

“You almost ready?” she called.

After slipping on my clothes, I growled and opened the door, shoving my large body through. Among its many detractions, Earth was confining.

Ellen zipped her makeup pouch and grabbed her bag.

I trailed her to the parking garage, making sure the hat and sunglasses that obscured my appearance were firmly in place.

Ellen took out her keys and jingled them at me.

“You can drive,” she offered cheerfully. “I know you enjoy it.”

“I do not.”

“So you want me to drive?” she asked, slowly reaching for the door of the car.

I grabbed the keys from her. As bad as Earth was, I disliked driving the least. I slid behind the wheel.

“You can’t drive a car on Famirch,” Ellen reminded me, reaching for the radio.

I turned it back off, put the car in drive, and sped out of the parking garage. Traffic was light. I rolled down the windows, letting the air blow against my face. 

I would never understand how Earth could support so much life. It was everywhere. I could smell it, hear it, taste it—birds chirping, all the little animals digging in the ground, going about their day, the sheer multitude of humans talking on their sacred phones, running alongside the road, shopping, existing around me. Why would Ellen want to listen to the radio when you could listen to the life around you? It was yet another of her Earth-woman failings.

Backdropped against the noise of life, Ellen’s heart beat low and slow as she leaned back in her seat next to me.

“I can feel you staring at me,” I snarled. I glanced over then back onto the road.

She was beaming at me. “See? There are nice things on Earth.” 

“There is nothing good about this planet.” Though if I had a car on my home planet, I could really hunt wyrms.

I forced the thought away. It hurt too much to think about my home, the home that I would never see again.

After turning on a side road, we arrived in front of the warehouse where the spaceship that the Earth woman had stolen off my home planet to fly back to Earth was. I jumped out of the car after parking it and scanned the horizon for danger while I opened Ellen’s door.

“Thanks,” she murmured.

I nodded slightly then loped off to walk the perimeter of the property, looking for any signs of intruders.

Did Ellen and her friends deserve it? No. But I felt like I needed to do something. Otherwise, I would go insane.

There were signs of coyotes, small mammals, and lizards but no humans. Behind me, Ellen and her friends were inside the metal building, working on their rockets, not that it did me any good. Those rockets would never take me home.

***

“Is it better or worse that I am trapped on this planet with all of you?” I said tersely, walking into the backyard of a rambling house on a nearby rural property that Ellen and her friends had purchased for the tribesmen stranded on Earth.

“Barbeque breakfast burrito?” Cassius offered, clacking his tongs at me from his spot at the grill.

Khazhred, nose in a book, sighed deeply. “I do not think that burritos count as barbeque.”

“You can barbeque anything if you just grill it,” Branaric said, holding out a burrito for Meeg, the small kit who had also been displaced to Earth.

Meeg took a bite right out of the center then did a backflip.

Along with Meeg, I was trapped on Earth with Cassius, who had gone native and was mated to one of the Earth women, and Callahan, who was the only other male besides me who did not wish to be on Earth. Khazhred, analytical and intellectual, welcomed the opportunity to finally read a real book and learn about the planet we’d heard so much about on Famirch. Branaric didn’t want to intellectually study anything. He just wanted to sleep with Earth women and eat cheeseburgers. Nimiar, vain, superficial, and obsessed with earning money to impress Pippa, wasn’t much better. Zeldes, while initially unhappy about the prospect of being trapped on Earth, was starting to warm to our new planet.

“Can you make me a vegan barbeque burrito?” Khazhred asked. 

“What in the name of the ancestors is wrong with all of you?” I snarled. “Burritos. Vegan food.”

They were silent for a moment.

Nimiar’s tail twitched guiltily. “Zeldes made kombucha.”

“It’s disgusting,” Branaric said cheerfully and lifted a mug.

“I didn’t drink it, but I’m sure they’re all going to be sick,” Callahan added.

Cassius came over with a burrito on a plate. “I made homemade salsa.”

I shoved it back to him. “I hate this planet and pray to the ancestors daily that I’ll be able to leave.”

“You need to embrace Earth.” He clapped me on the shoulder. “There are worse places to be.”

“That’s what we told the Earth women trapped on our planet, though,” Khazhred added. “I suppose this situation would qualify as what the earthlings describe as ironic.”

“I am fully embracing the planet. Nimiar and I applied for jobs,” Branaric said loftily.

“A job! A job!” Meeg jumped around at his feet.

“You will put us all in danger,” I warned them, grabbing the kit before he could knock over the grill.

“Pfft, no I won’t,” Branaric insisted. “I will earn us money. On Earth, money is more important than wyrm meat. Once I have enough money, I’m buying a backhoe.”

“This is why we need you to move in with us.” Callahan slung an arm around my neck and banged his horns against mine.

I gave a noncommittal grunt and left them to patrol the perimeter of the property, on the lookout for any signs of intruders. The only thing worse than being stuck on Earth would be being held captive on Earth and experimented on by scientists in a lab. The ancestors could always make the situation worse, and I had to stay vigilant.

The property was large with several small caves near one end. I could move out here and sleep in one of them. But that would mean leaving Ellen.

Isn’t that a good thing?

A part of me did not want to leave her.

It is because you know you must protect her.

Ellen was weak. Her head was always looking up at the stars and not paying attention to what was in front of her. She was a dreamer; that was the word Earth people used. 

Earth has made you weak. Ellen had made you weak. Leave her.

But I couldn’t.

Chapter 3

Ellen

Bang!

“Vidanric’s back,” Lana announced, not looking up from her laptop.

I peered out of the open door of the large aircraft hangar where we had set up our ad hoc office.

Mel had a shooting range on her property to keep up her rifle skills from the military. Now Vidanric was out there practicing with Mel’s guns.

“Seems like he’s warming up to Earth,” Angie said brightly, sipping her tea as we watch the large alien calmly hitting the targets like a machine.

“He is not,” I said flatly. “In fact,” I continued, trying not to feel hurt, “he told me this morning that he hates Earth and he hates me.”

“He just needs some time to adjust,” Angie assured me.

Bang! The rifle fired again.

I winced. “I don’t think time’s going to help.”

“Vidanric needs to get laid,” Pippa said loudly from her desk. Not part of our original friend group, she had been stuck on the planet longer than we had, and we’d brought her back to Earth with us. Now she was our social media guru and office manager, such as it was.

A few months ago, my friends and I had all rage quit SpaceTech to start our new company. Mel, a former navy fighter pilot turned rocket engineer, worked with Erin and Kimmie—who was dating Cassius, the most pleasant of the aliens—on developing the rockets. Lana, who never met a spoken or computer language she didn’t love, was working on replicating the code used to power the alien slave ship. Angie, a doctor and biotech engineer, was working on applying the tech used in the stasis pods to marketable products.

Between us we had fifteen PhDs and no real office, no clients, and no positive cash flow. Don’t ever let them tell you a decade of schooling isn’t worth anything.

“Getting laid helps everyone,” Pippa argued.

I thought I saw Vidanric freeze, but maybe it was just my imagination. I didn’t have super alien eyesight.

“I just feel so guilty,” I said, chewing on my lower lip.

“It’s not like you were the one who twisted up space-time so that his planet is hundreds of years ahead of ours,” Erin reminded me.

“I know,” I said, still watching him as he reloaded the rifle with more speed and efficiency than someone who three months ago was hunting giant wyrms with a stone spear had any right to. “He’s just so sad.”

“You always did like a hot emo mess,” Angie joked.

“I don’t think he’s hot!” I hissed. Gosh, what if he heard us?

“Uh-huh, I mean I think he’s hot.”

“I can’t think he’s hot. I need to help him adjust to Earth. He’s like a pet or a wild animal that has just taken up residence in my house.”

“Rawr,” Erin said, making a clawing motion at me. “You want him to go all animal on you!”

“Speaking of people with no manners, do you know this crazy lady?” Pippa asked, wrinkling her nose as she scrolled through Instagram to the comments on our latest post. “Mitsy? She’s been commenting on all our posts. Super snarky stuff but pretending it’s helpful. Like ‘Love the feminine energy, but you need lots of capital to start a space company. That’s why rich men are the ones that do it!’ emoji, emoji, emoji. That sort of nonsense.”

“Madame Curie, give me strength,” I said, tapping on Mitsy’s Instagram profile. “Unfortunately, yes I do know her. She was the worst in our PhD program—constantly sucking up to the professors. Not to mention, she would show up at everyone’s thesis defense and be super obnoxious. After spending five years of your life on PhD research, no one wants their fellow PhD candidate to ask them a bunch of esoteric questions and belittle them.”

“Why would she do that?” Pippa was shocked. “I thought all scientists were serious?”

“No way. It’s because the stakes are so low,” I explained. “Like, what are you really going to do with a PhD in astrophysics?”

Pippa shrugged. “Build rockets? Escape from an alien barbarian planet?”

“Nope,” Kimmie said, climbing out of the alien spaceship with a tool kit strapped to her back. “That’s us rocket engineers. Quantum physics is basically witchcraft.”

“And yet,” I said, crossing my arms, “quantum physics is going to help us snag an asteroid.”

“How’s the asteroid-finding program coming along?” Mel asked me.

“I’ve been training the AI with asteroid information from known asteroids,” I explained, tapping on my laptop to open the computer program. “I have it looking at the asteroids out there to see if some of them have the heavy metal element we need for the rocket fuel additive.”

“Any good prospects?” Lana asked, gathering around my computer with the rest of our friends.

“A few,” I said. “I have time booked on the Baker Valley Observatory to confirm.” I was silent for a moment as a new conundrum surfaced.

“Problem?” Lana asked.

I grimaced. “A lot of the asteroids are pretty large. Ideally, we’d put it in the spaceship since it seems to have some type of cloaking technology. But this spaceship won’t fit a large asteroid.”

“We’ll break it up into chunks,” Angie said with a shrug.

“Asteroids are moving extremely fast through space,” Erin said, frowning. “I don’t know if that’s the best idea. We’ll have chunks of rock hurtling around while Mel’s trying to pilot the spacecraft.”

“Just find an asteroid first,” Kimmie said confidently, “then we’ll worry about bringing it back to Earth.”

While I normally admired my friend’s brashness, Kimmie’s move-fast-and-break-things mentality had landed me an alien living in my apartment.

“You worry too much, Ellen,” Lana said, pressing her thumb to my forehead to smooth out the creases.

“We need this element for the fuel for the prototype rockets,” I reminded them, “or we won’t be able to get any venture capital investments in our business, which means no salaries to pay for the necessities of life.”

“And you and Vidanric might have to move into one of those caves.” Kimmie snickered.

“I am not living in a cave,” I said in horror.

“Why doesn’t Vidanric move into one of them?” Angie asked.

“He’s not leaving her side. He’s basically Ellen’s bodyguard now.” Lana and Pippa giggled.

“He just likes to drive my car,” I argued. “And I think he’d probably be happy if I just keeled over one day.”

“So he does like something on Earth; that’s good,” Kimmie said. “Cassius has been worried about him.”

There was that flood of guilt again.

“You need to take him to do fun things on Earth,” Pippa suggested, “like paintball! Or sex!”

“Yes to paintball, no to that other thing,” I said, dropping my voice.

“You’re missing out,” Kimmie sing-songed.

“I’ll take your word for it.”

“He doesn’t even like Costco?” Erin asked me.

“Nope, in fact he—”

We all went silent as Vidanric appeared as a silhouette against the bright afternoon sun. He walked into the gun safe.

I felt awkward. Had he heard?

Probably. He hears everything.

I nervously tried not to look at him as he walked back out into the sunshine.

“I need to do something about him. I can’t live with myself if he stays sad, miserable, and homesick on Earth the rest of his life,” I said in a low voice.

“Sounds like it’s time to start Operation Help Vidanric Self-Actualize On Earth,” Pippa whispered back. “I’ll start a Pinterest board.”

The problem? I had no idea what would make him happy.

Chapter 4

Ellen

Operation Make Vidanric Love Earth had begun. Sort of.

Though Pinterest hadn’t had any profound insight on what would make a grumpy alien happy, there was a low-hanging fruit that I hadn’t yet offered him.

The windows were open, the evening desert air crisp and slightly sweet blowing into the car.

“Vidanric?” I asked, then cleared my throat, hating how my voice cracked.

“Yes,” he said after a moment.

“Why don’t you move in with your friends?” I asked gently. “You might be happier with them, especially since the farmhouse is in an area without many people. It might feel closer to home.”

“You don’t want me to live with you anymore,” he stated.

I squirmed. Yes.

But...

“No, of course not,” I lied. “I love having houseguests.” Especially guests who never leave and cook squirrels and glare at you when you wash your face with gasp! water. “I just want you to be comfortable.”

“I can sleep outside on the roof,” he offered.

“Or you could live with your friends.” I gave him a pained smile. “You know, it could feel like you were back with your tribe. You could have a fire.”

His fingers tensed on the steering wheel.

“Why don’t you want to live with them?” I asked.

His red eyes narrowed. “They annoy me.”

“But you lived in a cave with them,” I argued.

“I had my own cave.”

“Wow, you really must have been something. Your own cave. All-you-can-eat wyrms. I’m shocked the women weren’t falling all over you.”

“They were.” The corner of his mouth twitched.

I let out a peal of laughter.

“I was quite the hot commodity.”

“I might have to buy a bigger car to fit you and your massive ego,” I said.

“You would need a whole spaceship.”

I grinned to myself as we drove down the empty rural road back into town. Was I finally making progress with Vidanric?

I left the alien to walk the perimeter of the apartment building while I went up to my home office, which consisted of a rickety desk that I had shoved into a corner of my small bedroom.

I took out a piece of imported stationery with happy corgis and wrote myself a positive affirmation note. After dealing with people like Mitsy, keeping a positive attitude was the only way I had made it through school.

I am a lovable person, I wrote in calligraphy.

Unfortunately, I didn’t feel all that lovable. I felt like a fraud.

“We will stay positive,” I reminded myself and pulled out another piece of stationery.

The universe is filled with endless opportunities for me.

I drew several happy smiling planets then blew on the ink to dry it.

Vidanric was in the kitchen. He had another dead squirrel.

I will find something else on this earth that man likes to eat, I promised myself. Then I handed him the note.

He stared at my hand.

“As you may have noticed,” I said, pointing to the other notes around my apartment. “I like to remind myself to keep an upbeat attitude and look on the bright side.”

I tapped the positive affirmation note on his hand.

“Since you’re officially living here, I thought you might want to join in the fun!”

Vidanric slowly took the note from me, then shoved it in his mouth and chewed aggressively, staring me down.

“No, uh, see, you’re not supposed to eat it—”

He spat the chewed-up paper in the trash. “I hate your notes.”

“How dare you? That stationery was imported from Japan. Do you even know how to read?” I shrieked.

He sneered at me and grabbed the nearest note. “I trust that my faith in the universe will give me all that I need in life.” He crumbled up the note and threw it in the trash.

“Seems like the universe delivered you everything you wanted,” he snarled, sharp teeth flashing, “especially since you think I’m some walking sex toy.”

Oh shit. He had heard.

“That wasn’t me. That was Pippa,” I babbled, gesturing wildly. “I would never think of you in that way. Ever.”

At least not anymore, right, subconscious???

“I’m just trying to help you,” I begged, reaching for him.

“I don’t want your help,” he snapped, taking his kill out to the balcony. 

“I’m making dinner,” I called. “Taquitos, bagel bites, or a Frisbee. It’s a trick question because one of those is not edible.”

“Let me guess, the taquitos?” Vidanric stuck his head through the narrow balcony door.

“I actually do know how to cook,” I retorted. “I just have been a little distracted lately. But now I am going to start doing the things that bring me joy. Which you should do too.”

I grabbed an apron and my ingredients. What man didn’t like steak and potatoes? Vidanric was going to love my food. I fumed as I sliced the potatoes on a mandolin then arranged them neatly on a cookie sheet. Pro tip: if you like slightly crispy scalloped potatoes, cook them in a single layer on a cookie sheet.

As they baked, the potatoes filled the kitchen with a garlicky parmesan creamy aroma. With his hypersensitive sense of smell, Vidanric couldn’t ignore the scent of the food.

While the steak sizzled in the cast-iron skillet—not the one that I had dubbed the squirrel skillet—I made some mushroom gravy. They ate a lot of mushroom-like plants on Vidanric’s planet. Maybe he would be happy if I fed him more upscale versions of the food he was used to.

But when I laid the dinner out on the table, he refused to eat it.

“Seriously? You’re going to eat dried nuts, berries, and jerky?” I demanded as he sat across the table from me.

“I don’t like your Earth food.”

“This is better than bagel bites, my friend,” I said, cutting the rare steak then wafting the smells in his direction.

His nose twitched. “I once hung upside down in a freezing-cold cave for two days to kill a wyrm.”

“And I went to Costco and bought this steak,” I countered. “Got the last package. Had to fight off a little old lady.”

“You fought an old person?” Vidanric was horrified.

“She had a walker and smashed it on my toe.” I took a bite of the potatoes and the steak.

“Yum,” I said, moaning loudly and closing my eyes. “Sooo good.” It was delicious. I really needed to make home-cooked meals more often.

Vidanric hissed.

“Your friend Cassius likes Earth food,” I reminded him, serving myself more potatoes.

“Cassius was dropped on his head as a kit.”

“I will find something on this earth you enjoy.”

“You will not.” He ripped off a piece of his jerky.

“You could get a job. Kimmie said Branaric and Nimiar were hired at Starbucks.”

“They are also idiots.”

“We should go support them!”

“Terrible idea. They will expose us all.”

There was a crash outside from the balcony. Before I could even register the sound, Vidanric had pushed me down on the ground and covered me with his body. 

“They have come.”

I shoved him off. “No one’s here to capture you. You’re paranoid. I bet that squirrel was still alive.”

We opened the door, and there on the balcony was a big fat raccoon digging through the trash bag I kept out there. The furry animal looked up at me, munching on a ribbon of potato skin.

Vidanric took out his knife. “Breakfast.”

“No!” I said in horror. “Squirrels are one thing, but raccoons are adorable. Look at his little hands!”

“You earthlings are weak,” he snarled at me. “Food that walks right to your cave entrance, and you call it a pet.”

“Hi, baby! You can ignore the big bad alien. I won’t let him eat you.” I made kissy noises at the raccoon.

He was completely unafraid, content to eat an apple core while he watched us argue.

“I know what would make me happy on Earth,” Vidanric declared.

“If it’s eating that poor, innocent, very fluffy raccoon, the answer is no.”

The raccoon belched.

Vidanric curled back his lips and growled at it.

The raccoon bared its teeth and hissed back.

“It is unsanitary,” Vidanric argued while I finished my dinner.

“Big words for someone who is from a planet where there was no soap and not even enough water to wash your hands,” I countered, scooping up the rest of the gravy with the last bite of potatoes. Those scalloped potatoes were dangerous. I could, and have on particularly rough evenings, eaten a whole pan of them.

“The hardship makes you tough.” He slammed his fist against the table, making the dishes rattle. “Something you earthlings are sorely lacking.”

“See, that’s what makes Earth so nice. We have hardships, but they’re the ‘Should I have caramel sauce or fudge sauce on my ice cream?’ variety. Speaking of…there is a half gallon of French vanilla begging for a little decoration.”

Vidanric made a disgusted face when I plunked the carton on the countertop.

“Don’t scowl; you’ve never had ice cream.”

“It’s unnatural. And cold,” he argued.

“Well, why don’t I eat my ice cream and you can continue to chew on rocks—excuse me, jerky—while we watch a movie?” I said, scooping out vanilla ice cream into a bowl and spooning on homemade fudge sauce. “I’ll even let you pick.”

I took the two steps into what counted as my living room slash the spot under the coffee table where Vidanric slept.

“I do not like movies.”

“You don’t have to watch it.”

“You’re in my space.”

I paused. He was right—this was technically his spot.

“I’ll watch in my bedroom.” I turned.

“This is your cave. You can watch your movies here,” he said stubbornly.

I hesitated.

He grabbed me and sat me on the sofa.

“You’ll like this one,” I said, patting the couch beside me.

Vidanric sat down next to me, tension in every line of his body, as I scrolled through Netflix.

“There’s lots of blowing up and car chases. Right up your alley.”

“I don’t like anything. You can watch what you want,” he said stubbornly.

“And I want to watch RoboPrince,” I said, hitting the play button.

There was also a reason that I’d never heard of the movie before seeing it on Netflix. There was not enough fudge sauce in the world to dull the bad acting and nonsensical plot line. Not to mention, Vidanric had fallen asleep next to me, so it wasn’t like he was even watching it.

I looked at him for a moment, watching his slow and steady breathing.

Yep, definitely asleep. Being stressed out and angry all the time must wear a guy out.

I stopped the movie and turned on Emma, sinking into the Regency clothes and British accents. Historical romance was my happy place. And ever since Vidanric had become a permanent houseguest, I had not had near enough time to indulge in my favorite pastime of eating ice cream and weeping at romantic movies.

I was trying to quietly sob when I felt a touch on my wrist.

“I knew you didn’t like that movie.”

I wiped my eyes. “I know something you will like. And we’re going there tomorrow as a surprise.”