Crash-land on an alien barbarian planet and told there’s no way home?

LMAO! I’m a rocket scientist. Miss me with that noise.

Anyone else might have a nervous breakdown, but I was abducted with my besties! Between us, we have fifteen PhDs.

We will be getting off this planet. Trust.

No, I will not be finding an eternal bonded mate among the seven-foot-tall alien males.

No, I will not be wearing a furkini and walking around barefoot.

And no, I will not be moving into a cave with no internet or running water and accepting my fate like the rest of the freed human women on this craft-cocktail-forsaken planet.

Two liquid hydrogen rockets and a smidge of deep-space travel later, and we’re back home on Earth.

Except that our spaceship had stowaways.

Now there’s a seven-foot-tall alien named Cassius in my Los Angeles condo. He’s calmly explaining that according to the ancestors, we are to be eternally mated and have a litter of children.